BAM! And Then I Hit A Wall

I could Feel it.  The wall that I come up against.  The wall that turns me around.  Whether it is in relationship, some new skill or a business endeavor.  Its the voice that says, You can’t do this.  You weren’t made to do this.  So I stop putting in effort.  I give up.  I allow myself to get sidetracked.

Today it hit me as I sat in the middle of the gymnastics room floor.  Tears welled up (inside at least).  It had been a hard class and there were numerous things I could barely even begin to accomplish.  And then there was this one thing.  This one thing I couldn’t do at all.  I felt all the excuses coming up.  I felt myself getting angry and challenging. The way it feels when your whole body is heated up.  It touched on all the places that feel vulnerable to me; Wounds that may always be raw to the touch.  It hit all those stories of never feeling good enough; Of the embarrassment of being picked almost last in gym class, of being the stereotypical asian kid with big glasses who was bad at sports.  But the sports thing was really just the symbolic representation of the bigger piece, of feeling like I didn’t fit in.  Of not having long legs or big eyes or a left arm that worked right or… <Fill in YOUR own perceived Inadequacy>.  I just wasn’t made the right way. I was left in an orphanage.  I didn’t get normal developmental advantages…

This particular skill involved sitting on the floor with hands pressed into the ground at my sides and lifting my butt off the floor.  My arms are too short.  They really are.  Many Asians have short arms and legs and long torsos.  What is this white girl doing telling me I just have to get my core stronger and my shoulders looser?  She doesn’t understand, she’s white girl privileged.  These are the stories that are running through my head.  In the midst of my emotional survival brain attempting to hijack my more reasonable self there is yet another voice.  (Years of meditation, yoga and Neurosculpting® have kept the channel to my more reasonable self pretty accessible, even in the midst of limbic brain hyperdrive.)  The voice that knows she may be right.  That this is the same process I went through in my yoga teacher training where I swore up and down that I’d never step through from Downward facing dog to Lunge because my arms were too short.  I mastered that skill.  I can work on this one too.  This is what I tell every new yoga student.  That they really can do it.  That these stories about their body are just that. Stories.

So I walked away not letting my survival brain get the best of me.  But I could feel how every part of me had been triggered. How much the stories of “being different” and “not picked/not good enough” still hurt.  How these are the things I need to work through in order to shift my patterns.  How its not the world that holds me back, but rather my survival brain that puts up the walls to keep me from going forward, so I don’t have to feel this feeling.  So I don’t have to re-live all those old feelings of shame, not good enough, fear, …

Thanks, survival brain, but I think I’ve got this…

Continuing forward now.